I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
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Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
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We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Help. Why am I so naked?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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