Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
