The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
