Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Betty ford says i'm here all night
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
