obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm too high and old for this...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
