did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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