my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
