Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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