Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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