his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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