i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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