Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
