I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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