Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Mom said you looked used
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
