I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
