bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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