Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
