I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
