i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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