That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
