He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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