i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
