Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
