I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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