i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
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