My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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