I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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