My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
