Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
