He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...