i jhust puked up my retainher.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
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Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
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That accounts for only three of the penises
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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