For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
