How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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