I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
