Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
