I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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