I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
