its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
