I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
