I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
