just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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