Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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