Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
