she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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