I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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