everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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