He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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