I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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