I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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