Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
