My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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