she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
