Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
